When parents separate their most frequent concern is for the well being of their children.

Sadly, many parents focus on their conflict with each other – and not on the emotional impact on their children. What is needed is the ability to look at the world through the eyes of their children – based on their age, gender, personality and pre-existing emotional strength.

Some Basic Guidelines:

When children are facing significant changes in their lives, their focus is on THEIR SECURITY.

Children DO want to know that

• They are loved
• They will be cared for
• They will continue to see both parents (apart from safety concerns)
• There will be as few major changes in their lives as possible i.e. school, important extra-curricular activities
• They will continue to see extended family and friends and their pets

They DO NOT want to know or cannot handle:

• The details of their parent’s conflict
• Which parent is most to blame
• Parental anxieties about finances, future plans, or their emotional response to the separation

Parents often turn to their children for emotional support or include their children in their anger or disappointment at extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts and uncles… that limit the children’s access to people that were important supports – provided that they can keep the marital conflict out of their communication with children.

Examples of how children respond:

• 4-year-old Adam – When I hear my parent’s fighting, I gather up all my toys in a blankie and go as fast as I can into the room where I hear their loud voices and deliberately drop all the toys on the floor. They stop fighting and yell at me to pick up my toys and not make a mess. I am scared when they fight and don’t know how else to stop them – I am only 4yrs old.

• 5-year-old June – It is Valentine’s Day, and we made Valentine’s for our parents in school. I wasn’t sure how my dad would react to the Valentine I created with help from the teacher, so I showed it first to the family mediator who was helping my parents with their separation. It said “Dad, you may be ready to Date, but I’m not ready to Participate!”.

• 6-year-old Jimmy – After school I go to a day care at a friend’s home. My parents take turns picking my up. One day they both arrived on the same day. They started to yell at each other in front of my friends – SO embarrassing!! Then they each grabbed one of my arms and started to pull – they pulled so hard I thought I would die!! I didn’t really think I would die – but I felt that way – so ashamed!

• 7-year-old Mohammed was very frightened. His parents had gone to court, and he shared “My parents are in court and are fighting about “custody”! I don’t know who will end up in jail – maybe both will be held in custody! I don’t know if either will be allowed to come home. Who will take care of me?”

• 8-year-old Sabrina was refusing to visit her dad over the weekend. Dad blamed Mom for undermining their relationship. When asked why – Sabrina answered that if she went to Dad’s there would be no one to feed their young dog, Trixie as the dog was her responsibility and stayed at Mom’s. Dad’s apartment di not allow pets. [When Dad offered to drive her to Mom’s to feed Trixie, her problem was solved.]

• 9-year-old Giorgio refused to accept his parent’s plan to spend alternating weeks with each parent. Both blamed the other and court action was pending. Giorgio, a shy child who had always been most comfortable with predictable routines was invited to explain. Giorgio said,” I only have one bed – where would I sleep at my dad’s? Also, I take the bus each day from my mom’s – the bus driver would not find me at dad’s and most of all I could not continue on the hockey team as I would be in a different neighbourhood.” [When Giorgio’s concerns about changes in his life were addressed so that he could continue much as before, he was prepared to try his parent’s plan.]
• 10-year-old Shirin was adamant that she would not be picked up mid week for dinner with her dad. Why not? Her father had a track record of being preoccupied with work and showing up late. Her fear was that she would be left standing outside the school – looking stranded to her friends and more concerning – he had never COOKED! She was sure that she and her younger brother would not be fed! [Dad made a strong commitment to being on time and he committed to learning how to cook – and in the meantime to buying ready made meals – with Shirin’s help!]

• 11 yr old Nathan refused to visit his paternal grandmother. They had been close before the separation. An embarrassed Nathan shared that when visiting grandma, she tried to subtly find out who his mother was dating. Instead of responding with anger, Nathan chose to avoid visiting.