February 23, 2023


What are some options for safely and constructively communicating with a former spouse? 

unhappy couple with mediator

Children are very aware of the level of conflict between their parents. They listen for the tone of voice, body language and emotional responses – even if they do not understand the issues.

Early in the separation when partners are feeling hurt, angry, sad, or fearful about the future, it is best to have conversations when the children are not present or able to overhear. When children are being exchanged between parents, this is a time to limit conversations to basic greetings or confirmation of when the children will return. Any significant conversation or exchange of important parenting information – about health care, education, or upcoming special events, should take place when the children are not there.

What are some tips to minimize exposing children to conflict?

Relationships often don’t completely end with separation. Even after the finalization of a divorce, it is necessary to maintain contact with your ex-spouse if you have children or other close family members. Although these conversations can be stressful, they don’t have to be. Finding ways to interact with your ex-spouse in a constructive manner can lead to reduced stress and increased enjoyment for everyone involved. Here are a few suggestions:

Avoid relying solely on text messaging:
Text messaging can easily lead to misunderstandings, whether with your ex-spouse or anyone else. It is challenging to discern tone and intent through text messages. Shorthand or brevity might come across as abrupt or impolite, or you may inadvertently choose the wrong words. Exercise caution when using texting as a communication method. Short messages are suitable for coordinating logistics, but emotional or challenging discussions should be avoided through text.

Stay focused on the topic:
When your ex-spouse is present, argumentative conversations tend to veer off-topic. It’s natural for one point to lead to another, especially when emotions are involved. However, these digressions usually don’t benefit anyone. To your advantage and sanity, try to keep conversations focused on the topic at hand. If you need to discuss a specific issue with your ex-spouse, concentrate on that particular matter and the best way to resolve it. If your ex-spouse deviates from the topic, gently steer the conversation back. Maintaining a one-subject-at-a-time approach can greatly improve communication with your ex-spouse.

Allow yourself time to cool down:
When we are angry or upset, we often say things that we later regret because our thoughts are clouded. This is a universally recognized phenomenon. When you find yourself in situations with your ex-spouse that trigger intense emotions, give yourself some time to calm down. It’s okay to let your ex-spouse know that you need time to reflect and are not ready to discuss the matter just yet. Additionally, writing down or recording what you want to say can be beneficial. Many people find solace in typing out emails or messages without actually sending them. This practice can be therapeutic and give you an opportunity to process your feelings. Once you have cleared your mind, engage in a conversation with your ex-spouse about the situation.

Find a middle ground:
Remember that healthy communication requires some give and take. If you approach every situation believing you are always right and your ex-spouse is always wrong, it will lead to constant conflict and misery. In essence, you end up hurting yourself while attempting to harm or punish your ex-spouse. On the other hand, if you strive for compromise, you encourage your ex-spouse to do the same. This approach fosters improved communication and better outcomes for everyone involved including parenting arrangements.

By adopting more effective techniques for interacting with your ex-spouse, you can enhance your own quality of life. Take time to calm down before engaging with your ex-spouse, avoid sending angry texts, stay focused on the topic, and be willing to compromise. These strategies are essential for reducing the tension that often accompanies interactions with an ex-spouse. Taking a deliberate approach will help you feel less stressed. These recommendations apply both during and after the separation process.

If you need assistance with divorce-related issues, our team of multidisciplinary professionals is here to help. We offer reduced rates and provide free consultations six days a week. Our highly trained family mediators can facilitate communication between family members, allowing them to express their needs and interests in order to reach mutually agreeable solutions. It’s an opportunity for a fresh start, free from the stress and frustration often associated with a divorce court and litigation.

Remember, constructive and respectful communication is key to maintaining a healthy relationship with your former spouse, especially when children are involved. By following these guidelines, you can navigate the challenges more effectively and create a positive environment for everyone involved.