Telling Children about the Decision to Separate

Telling children that you have decided to separate s is a difficult conversation that your children will remember. Depending on your situation, it is often best to do this together, in a safe and calm place. Focus on reassuring your children and minimizing blame or conflict, as children want to know that their parents will continue to love and take care of them.

What are some helpful hints for telling children about the decision to separate – to minimize the stressful impact and trauma of the decision to separate or get divorced? Here are some suggestions – but of course, you need to think about your own circumstances. First are you ready to have this conversation? That is, can you set aside your own hurt, anger, distrust, and anxiety?

In order to offer reassurance to your children about what they care about– almost all children want a close relationship with both parents and to know that both parents love them, are committed to taking care of them, and will make their best efforts to ensure that the children spend adequate time with each parent.

The specific terms of a Parenting Plan will depend on the child’s (ren’s) age, temperament, other scheduled activities, and the parent’s availability. Most children can adapt to a variety of parenting schedules. What they need is to feel loved and well cared for and to understand when they will be spending time with each parent. They need parents to follow through on their commitments. Predictability builds trust, makes the child feel important, and minimizes the sense of loss and anxiety that children feel when parents separate. To minimize disappointment and distrust, a good rule is “Only promise what you will actually deliver.” Here is a sample of what you might do and say:

Additional Hints – SAMPLE CONVERSATION:

Mother and Father invite the children to attend a family meeting together on a weekend morning in their home:

• “We have something important to talk about as a family. Today we need some family time.”
• When everyone is settled – the TV, iPhones, and various gadgets put aside, Mom begins, “Your Dad and I love you very much and will always be your parents. We care about each other, but we are not happy living together. We are very sad – and know you will not be pleased with our decision, but we have decided that we will be happier living in two separate homes.”
• Dad nods mutely as he sees the tears well up in both children’s eyes and their faces shift from disbelief to sadness, and then quickly to anger.
• The early adolescent girl recovers first and yells “How could you! I don’t want my life to change! Why are you doing this to us? Nothing will ever be the same – I hate both of you!” and storms out of the room, in a few steps is up the stairs and the door slams shut. The parents can hear the muffled sobbing of their daughter buried under her pillow.
• Thankfully the counselor had predicted this response and suggested they let her cry and then reach out when their daughter calmed down.
• The younger brother, sitting rooted in his chair with a barely audible voice asks if he can get a drink – more of a diversion and to hide the unwanted tears that are spilling down his cheeks. A few minutes later, the boy in a very practical voice asks, “If we get a dog, where would he stay?” And added, “If you have 2 homes and I have only one bed, where will I sleep?”
• The Dad responds, his voice breaking as the reality of the disruption in the children’s lives sinks in. “Son, we will make sure that you have 2 beds and whatever you need in Mom’s home and in Dad’s. We can talk about a dog once we are settled, and we can work out how the dog will be cared for. Your Mom and I will make sure that you and your sister will see each of us often. We are working with a special counselor who helps lots of families like ours to work out a Plan. We love you and we know this is making everyone sad, but once you get used to our new plan, we hope everyone will be okay. Please ask us all the questions you want.
• With a resigned look, the young boy goes to each parent and offers a hug. His shoulders hunched with this unwanted burden, he heads for the door. As he exits, he turns with one more question “If you stopped loving each other, how do I know you won’t stop loving me and my sister?” Too sad to wait for the answer, he bolts for the basement, leaving his parents to digest the impact of their decision.