NAVIGATING DIVORCE IN ONTARIO WITH CHILDREN: INSIGHTS FROM DR. BARBARA LANDAU
Listen to Dr. Barbara Landau on SiriusXM Radio – Canada Now with host Jeff Sammut
In a recent podcast episode on SiriusXM Radio – Canada Now with host Jeff Sammut, Dr. Barbara Landau, the President of Separation Pathways, a distinguished professional honored for her pioneering work in easing the pain of divorce through family mediation, shared invaluable insights into navigating divorce with care, particularly focusing on the impact on children.
Divorce is a challenging journey that affects not only the couple involved but also their children. In the midst of emotional upheaval, finding a path that prioritizes compassion, understanding, and the well-being of everyone involved is paramount. Dr. Landau’s significant contributions to the field have earned her the esteemed Order of Canada, reflecting her unwavering commitment to supporting families through challenging times.
Communication is Key During Divorce
One of the critical aspects highlighted in the conversation is the way parents communicate with their children about the divorce. Parents often delay sharing the news, fearing how it will affect their children. However, it’s crucial to approach this conversation with compassion and honesty, providing reassurance and stability amidst uncertainty. Transitioning to the impact of divorce on children, Dr. Landau underscores the profound influence parental communication strategies have on children’s ability to adapt to change. Drawing from her extensive experience, she advocates for collaborative approaches that prioritize the children’s emotional stability and security.
Avoiding Harmful Dynamics
In discussing divorce with children, it’s advised to avoid placing blame or sharing unnecessary details about the breakdown of the marriage. Instead, the focus should be on the children’s needs for love, stability, and security. By avoiding harmful dynamics such as parental alienation or involving children in adult conflicts, parents can create a healthier environment for their children to thrive.
“The best cases that I have are people who came to see me before they told their children because parents often don’t recognize how much they’re caught up in their own emotions. And this is not with a six year old or an eight year old or even a 12 or 15 year old are feeling and they kind of they think their kids are identifying with their anger and hurt and betrayal. They’re not. So when parents come to speak to me first, here’s what I have an opportunity to talk to them about. I suggest to them that they speak to the children together, because it’s almost inevitable that they will inadvertently lobby their children for support for their perspective. I suggest they do it at home, not in a public setting. I suggest they do it on a weekend when people are not rushing out the door and on their way to the soccer practice or whatever. I suggest that they give the kids they think about the age of the kids and you know what’s appropriate for the age like that they gives them reassurance. You know, the most important thing that kids want to hear is that they’re going to have two parents who will continue to love and take care of them. They’re not really interested in who did what to whom, at what point in time. They do not need to hear the reasons that the marriage failed. That just makes kids feel more insecure. And we need the children to have confidence in us. We need children to appreciate our parents are young to respond to it appropriately. We don’t need to have children whose confidence in their parents is diminished. The other thing is that children do not want to hear how the flaws of each other because when we think about it, children are genetically part of both parents. They’re some part of both of us. And when a child hears their father criticized for X, Y, or Zed or their mother criticized for X, Y or Zed, they start to feel that they’re being criticized because they share that identity. I suggest that they give the kids a minimum of information primarily reassurance you know, we’ve, we we care about you, we love you. We want you to be well taken care of. We’ve decided that we’re going to feel happier living in two different homes. They can point out that you know your grandparents live in different homes, your cousins and uncles and aunts live in different homes. They’re still your family. We are going to continue to be your family. We’re just going to try to do it in two different locations. That’s really reassuring to kids.” – said Barbara Landau.
Case Studies Or Children’s Fears
Dr. Landau shared poignant case studies during the conversation, illustrating the fears and concerns children may have during divorce:
Feeding the Dog: One child expressed worry about who would feed the family pet after the divorce. This concern may seem trivial to adults but reflects the child’s need for continuity and stability in their daily routines.
Transportation to School: Another child voiced concerns about transportation to school if they were to spend time with the other parent. Addressing logistical challenges like this with empathy and practical solutions can alleviate children’s anxieties.
Sleeping Arrangements: Some children worry about practical aspects like having only one bed in each parent’s home. Collaboratively addressing these concerns and finding creative solutions can help children feel more comfortable and secure in their new living arrangements.
“I think what’s really a good idea is to only give kids a little bit of information and then let them go away, digest emotionally react and come back with those questions.” – Barbara Landau shares her professional experience.
The Role of Mediation: Introducing Separation Pathways
Central to the approach discussed in the podcast is the use of mediation as a constructive method for resolving divorce-related issues. Unlike traditional adversarial approaches, mediation encourages collaboration and empowers couples to make decisions together, with the well-being of their children at the forefront. Through mediation, couples can create customized solutions that address their unique circumstances while minimizing conflict and preserving relationships.
Separation Pathways, a national not-for-profit organization dedicated to providing accessible and affordable divorce resolution services, is introduced in the conversation. Through a streamlined process, Separation Pathways facilitates cooperative decision-making, empowering couples to navigate divorce with compassion and respect. By offering a supportive environment and expert guidance, Separation Pathways aims to alleviate the financial and emotional burdens often associated with divorce. Through structured planning meetings and fixed-price packages, Separation Pathways offers families a streamlined path to resolution, regardless of their location in Ontario.
“What we’ve done, after decades of experience, is develop a very affordable and straightforward plan. It’s a national, not-for-profit initiative, and it will soon become a charity. The first step is a free intake or consultation, where both parties can ask any questions they may have. Once we’ve assessed the case to ensure there’s no domestic violence or coercion, and that it’s not a dangerous situation, we then invite both parents to participate in a planning meeting. We offer this meeting at a very affordable cost to work out which issues you’re ready to address.” – highlighted Barbara Landau.
Throughout the conversation, the importance of seeking support during divorce is emphasized. Whether through mediation services like Separation Pathways or through counseling and community resources, acknowledging the challenges and embracing collaborative approaches can help families navigate divorce with resilience and strength.
Conclusion:
In conclusion, the insights shared in the podcast shed light on a compassionate and collaborative approach to navigating divorce, particularly concerning its impact on children. By prioritizing communication, understanding, and support, families can embark on this journey with empathy and resilience, ultimately fostering a positive environment for their children’s well-being and growth. As we navigate the complexities of divorce, let us remember the power of compassion and cooperation in shaping a brighter future for all involved.